


let me love the lonely out of you

by oikawa101



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Embarrassed Alec, How Do I Tag, M/M, Magnus is the protective boyfriend, Malec, Protective Magnus Bane, Sad Alec, Sad Alec Lightwood, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Alec Lightwood, aec cries, alec has scars, alec is sad and so is magnus, but magnus holds his boyfriend, i dont know how to do this, jace and izzy are briefly mentioned, magnus cries, may be triggering, the selfharm is past tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 11:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14401086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oikawa101/pseuds/oikawa101
Summary: In which Magnus notices Alec's scars and they have a Talk.





	let me love the lonely out of you

A seraph blade was never meant to have cut into the flesh of a shadowhunter. The shadowhunters were supposed to remain in unity and there should never have been reason for one blade to turn against another in a serious attempt to injure a fellow soldier. If so, the scar would remain as if it had healed with time; like that of a mundane. It was why Alec had used a seraph blade when he was alone at night with just his thoughts for company. It was before Magnus had entered in his life in all of his glory; a streak of light in his pitch black world.  
Alec didn't know if Magnus knew what they were doing there. Hell, Alec didn't even know if Magnus knew they were there at all. The thin silvery white lines that marked the very tops and insides of his thighs, hidden from sight even in shorts.  
Alec didn't know if Magnus had seen them in their dimly lit bedroom at night as they made love. He didn't know if the light had ever hit them, accentuating the permanent marks of his sadness etched into his skin, exposing all the broken parts of himself to his lover as he'd carefully slid his palms down Alec's legs, slowly pushing them apart gently to show him the love he thought he didn't deserve.  
Magnus had seen them. He had seen the straight white lines that were buried into the tops of his love's legs that were obviously self inflicted. He had never mentioned them for fear of Alec closing himself off, for fear of Alec pushing him further away. But Magnus wanted to talk about it. He wanted to hear his lover's story, to hear of his demons and help heal the scars they had left on him.  
So Magnus bought them up. He breached the subject carefully, cautiously, caringly.

"Alexander, I... Last night when we were... when we were in bed. I saw... your scars”  
Magnus' words were soft and hesitant, shying away from his lips and betraying his nerves at bringing up the subject. The words Magnus had wanted to say fluently were stilted and fell from his lips in stutters.  
Despite Magnus' intentions and attempt to be gentle, Alec's whole form froze. His body stiffened against Magnus's chest and he could feel how rigid Alec's spine was, how tense his shoulders were.  
He doesn't say anything for a few moments. Just rests his hand lightly on Alec's shoulder and waits patiently for him, knowing Alexander needs time.  
After a length of silence Alec speaks.  
"I... I didn't want you to see them." It's Magnus's turn to freeze.  
"Not because I don't trust you." Alec hurries to say," But because I never wanted you to see how weak I was, how pathetic. I never wanted you to see this terrible, ugly, broken part of me." Alec replicates Magnus's words nearly exactly. Alec was crying; tears streaming down his cheeks as his shoulders hunched in on himself and it was all too frighteningly easy for Magnus visualise Alec pressed to the wall of his bedroom at the Institute.  
Magnus has been there and the walls are painfully bare; a complete contrast to Izzy's bedroom, a vibrant shock of colour in the dusty, ancient Institute. Even Jace's room was more welcoming then Alec’s- a few faded pictures tacked to the walls. Alec's room was devoid of any sign of himself aside from a stack of books on the floor near his bed.  
He can see Alec with his back against the cold wall, pushing a seraph blade against his skin and watching blood rise to the surface and telling himself that he deserved it.  
He could see Alec trying to justify it. Not calling it self harm. He would call it encouragement or tell himself it was a reminder to do better. He would try his best to neutralize the toxicity of his actions to change darkness into light by ramming up a wall of trickery before he could truly register what he had done.

Magnus holds Alec in his lap, letting him bury his face into his shoulder. He closes his eyes as a few tears escape him, as his precious Alexander tells him how he would press the seraph dagger against his skin because he knew it would leave a scar. He listens as Alec tells him it was because he knew no-one would even want to see him in a position where they would be on display anyway. He listens as Alec tells him it was to remember that he wouldn't mess up, not anymore.  
And Magnus holds him when Alec is done, when he's said all he can say. He whispers soft words into Alec's ear, words that sound like poetry. Too precious for him, Alec thinks. Alec pushes himself harder into Magnus and feels his arms tighten around him in response as Magnus whispers words like 'strong' and 'precious' and 'beautiful' and 'pretty'. Words that he will try to fight off in the morning. But for now, as street light illuminate cold pavements and the stars flicker and die in the distance, Alec lets Magnus’s words sink into his skin and settle into him, until his bones are warmed and lit up as if by sunlight.

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiiii lovesssss,  
> it's been ages since I last posted a fic and I wrote this a while ago and just decided to post it.  
> If you enjoyed, drop a kudos and leave a comment :)  
> thanks for reading!!!   
> xxx


End file.
